I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
