there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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