around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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