I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
