I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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