I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's never too late to be topless.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
