I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
