How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im six kinds of drunk right now
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
