At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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