I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
