I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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