Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
