I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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