My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
