they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
