I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
