tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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