when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
