fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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