I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
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i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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