Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
