I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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