Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you inspire me to be a worse person
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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