High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
