remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
