first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
