Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
