At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
