just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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