When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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