i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
