I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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