She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
