I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
