Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
