You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
