dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
