Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
