she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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