I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
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He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
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i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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