I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why are your pants in the freezer?
God, I missed his penis.
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