It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He did a backflip because drugs
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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