i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
