I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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