my mouth tastes like poor choices
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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