Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
