Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My pussy is not your playground.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
