I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize