so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
