just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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