I wanna bring you to show and tell
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
