My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I checked into jail on foursquare
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
