I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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