i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
