Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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