awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
