maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
