I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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