Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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