never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
